Ok, so yesterday I attemtpted a blog post with some success, so I figure while the pain meds are dulling the fiery, clutching talons that like to dig themselves into my neck and shoulders now and then, I can try writing another entry and sort out all the different things that have been running through my head over these past few days.
So, as far as the day of the surgery, what I can remember....
Tuesday, July 12,
So first I can remember, being fired. I say this because early that morning, knowing i'd be going into surgery, my PCA (patient care assistant) left a hospital gown on my bed with orders for me to change into it around 10am, but I believe I got distracted blogging and then Mom came up and we started to chitchat and suddenly changing into the gown didn't seem very important at the time. Putting off the inevitable i guess but it's a lot more calming to chat with your mother in bike shorts and a ribbed tank-top than a hospital gown.
So when the time came for surgery, I can remember my PCA telling me she'd have to fire me because I had failed to change. At the same time the O.R. Tech. (the only operating room tech supposedly active in the hospital at the time too, so he was very busy) (I also can't seem to remember his name, but i wanna say his name was either Chris or Mike - last name Smith, but nurses and other staff kept calling him Skempth or something like that. Some nickname i guess. I can also recall he had a short haircut but the inch or two or growth he allowed where the bangs usually grew he had spiked upward like a little tepee...or maybe mohawk, ah well) Anyway, I can remember one or two staff members telling me to keep an eye on his hands for some reason, (probably an inside joke) but the other thing i distinctly remember is that the hospital gown he brought up along with the bed that he took me down on was a greenish patterened gown which I asked if it wouldn't be a problem to change into that gown at all, considering it was a different pattern and green matched the color of the sheet on the bed I was about to be wheeled away on. (gotta look my best before getting my neck cut open, right?)
So I was then told to get on the bed that awaited to take me down, which I did, and was then wheeled to the elevators. I can remember three mid-aged ladies in tan colored scrubs (and as I understand the color of the scrubs someone wears tells you what their job is or what they do) standing to either side of the hallway as if trying to reassure me with their smiles that everything would be ok. I'm obviously not the first person they've seen taken to surgery who has never undergone major surgery before, but at least they weren't trying teasing me or joking about where I was being taken to.
Small as it is, I can remember that lying in a bed and being in an elevator is actually a really interesting sensation. Usually when a person is in an elevator they're vertical, and yet I was lying horizontal (as opposed to being on my head of at a diagonal, but I think you get what i'm talking about). Another great convience is the automatic doors so people are wheeled through hallways instead of being barged through doors in a salloon-style way. With a touch of a button and the smooth vrrmmm of hydraulics the doors open and i was wheeled through to the Operating prep room, which i can basically sum up as being a very large room with different sections curtained off to separate patients. Each section had it's own bank of computers and buttons and whatnot, and above each section is a rectangular cieling panel that looks like clouds. I guess it's supposed to provide a calming, or soothing setting considering everything that is about to happen. I figure that with the billions of dollars that get spent in hospitals all the time they could do a bit better and make it more of a hollogram so that it looks like the fluffy white clouds are moving over the sky blue cieling panel. (make me believe that i'm looking at sky. Make me forget there are another 10 floors of hospital above me before I can actually see clouds again!)
So as I waited for that inevitable moment, first i can remember meeting Orlinda.. (or maybe it was Belinda...i'll refer to her as Linda since I can't quite remember what the prefix was on her name) the nurse who did the basic checks of my vitals and other whatnot before surgery. We chatted between each other, Mom, myself, and Linda. I can remember asking if it was at all possible to wait until i was drugged to put a different IV tube into me. (i was told by someone else earlier, couldn't say when but i do remember it being before wheeled from the 8th floor, that the IV in my left arm problem wasn't going to work for surgery. Guess it was to do with the type of IV they stuck into me. It's not like they had been injecting lots of things into me anyway, just Saline to keep the tube open for fluids) Considering the last few needle injections had come with minor fainting spells I really didn't want to push my luck.
Mom and I were left alone for a while, which was a bit confusing since we had been told the prep was to be started at 11:45, and by the time anything really started happening it was nearly past 12:30, but in that bit of time Mom and i were able to overhear the chatter from behind the curtain of the person directly opposite my prep station (who was also undergoing spinal surgery, Mom found out) as well as argue a bit between ourselves. When I say argue i don't mean we were figthing, i mean i was telling Mom i didn't want her to hover around and needlessly worry when there was nothing she could do at the time of the surgery. Truth be told, i myself didn't actually feel scared. When you're scared, you feel that cold sensation through your heart and your stomach is usually full of butterflies, and I didn't feel that. Honestly, my bickering with mom about her hovering around or just staring at me in that way mom's stare at their kids was actually me trying to reassure her that everything was gonna be all right. Knowing how many other hospital visits Mom has made with grandma and grandpa gives her experience on the sitation as a whole, but I knew there was a deep distress below the surface at knowing there was a tumor in your baby's neck and every tumor has the chance at being one way or another. I still have faith that if God meant for this tumor to be far more havardous that it has been instead of a developing irritation, then i would have been a lot more sick and symptomatic a long time ago, and that hasn't been the case so i've got heavy bets that this tumor is benign.
In any case, to summarise that, i believe i was trying to say that in my own way I was trying to help calm Mom's own inner turmoil she no doubt feels over learning about all this. Guess we were both putting on some pretty brave fronts, because I can't deny that there was a small knot of anxiety sitting somewhere behind my sternum (felt tight in that area anyway) and to help reassure us both i needed to put our minds on something else besides the time passing until that moment arrived.
During the wait time, Skemp (or whatever his name was) the O.R.Tech did wheel away the other lady adjacent to me going into the surgery and returned later with an empty bed. Now with the curtained pulled away I could see what the prep area looked like. I'm sure it was identical to mine but considering how i was lying i couldn't look behind me. I can remember being very interested on right beneath the the face-clock was some sort of hydraulic slider that had a computer monitor attached closer to the top and the keyboard to the bottom, but separated so that they could be moved higher or lower for convenience, of course.
The other thing that caught my attention was Skemp's waffle shoes. They looked incredibly comfy. They were white but the bottom part had a waffle design that he said allows air to flow through in such a way it feels like walking on air (or maybe foam would be better description. Let's just say it was a levitating kinda of feeling) He mentioned how much he loved them, that he had the pair he was wearing for all-about purpose and another set he uses just for the gym.
Somewhere closer to the end of the wait, Kathy Strickland showed up and that was a pleasant suprise. Just knowing mom wasn't going to be alone at first when i went into surgery made me feel better. I knew I wouldn't remember anything but considering mom was going to be waiting for news of how i was doing I really didn't want her to be alone in the waiting room for it. Thanks for coming Kathy, it meant a lot to me to get support from you face-to-face before going in and having surgery, and i'm sure it meant a whole lot to mom to have a friend with her for support as the surgery team took me away.
Then it was time and i told Mom and Kathy i'd see them later. Considering i was innerly steeling myself, and having a chitchat with God in which i was mentally reassuring Him that i trust Him and knew that He would take care of me and also asked that He made sure Mom could feel Him there too so she wouldn't be worried either, that He had already done the work of making it possible for one of the best Neurosurgeons in the area to be present at Memorial and that He created this surgical team known to be one of the best are all ways to reassure everyone that everything is going to be all right.
I was pushed into the operating room and i can remember thinking it was very white, and bright. I distinctly remember looking up and staring at a overhead lamp that made me think of the overhead light dentists use except that this one was much bigger, rounder, and brighter.
Five hours later...
The first thing i can remember is staring at a green curtain. I supposed the next thing i realized was that i was awake and that had to mean the surgery was over. I think i may have said something along the lines of "so everything was ok?" and i do distinctly remember someone telling me that the surgery was a success. I can also remember saying something along the line of how dry my mouth felt and someone gave me an ice chip or two too chew on (and at one point a little sponge on the end of a stick i think called a toothette to help remoisturize the mouth and give it a refreshing taste)
One of the strangest sensations i can remember is how my right shoulder didn't actually feel like it was there, or that anything was there supporting it. I ended up having to get a pillow or two situated just around that shoulder alone before it felt like it was actually being supported. I don't think i actually felt pain, then again i was high on morphine at the time too. I had the nurse call button in my left hand and the morphine button in the right and i distinctly remember being told that every time the little green light on the button flashed on i could click it. (in other words, every 10 minutes) I did stay diligent to that button. I clicked it even when it didn't give me more morphine but its not like there was a clock nearby i could watch so i knew how much time passed, that and i couldn't really move my neck or arm. I was having trouble just trying to find the button itself because the pad of my right thumb is still numb.
Somewhere through all this haze, though, Mom came back to see me. Technically i should've been moved to the ICU but it was full so instead i was put in the recovery ward which, as memory serves me, looked a lot like the PreOP station, just maybe bigger. I remember the curtain being tugged to the side and seeing Aunt Margy, Grandma Ade, and Mom, happy to see me awake. I can remember pointing out that Grandma was wearing a green shirt and white paints, (and i don't know why that stands out to me so much, maybe because of the whole thing with the hospital gown before surgery) Aunt Margy was holding my laptop (it seems the nurses assured us all that i wouldn't be able to actually use it for the next day or two anyway) and Mom had my camera. (according to Mom, i had woken up once before this moment in which she and Kathy had been led back to see me and the first thing i asked is if she had my camera and had she taken a picture of me now out of surgery. Whether she did or not i'll have to check still, haven't really been downloading photos recently after all)
At the same time with the arrival of family was also Tonya, Dr. Schnittker's operating assitant (or something like that) who was looking after me directly after surgery. I was sorta loopy, but i do remember one of the first questions to myself was how was my leg. I wiggled my toes around experimentally and stretched my right leg, (the leg i've described as feeling locked and tight for the past year and a half) and was able to lock my knee straight, which is the first time in a really long time i can remember doing that. Tonya, as i was later told, was kinda suprised to see me moving that much so fast after surgery. I can remember her asking me to squeeze her fingers (pretty common grip test) and i could just feel something different, just knew from the way my right hand gripped her fingers that something good had happened.
For the rest of the night, right after Mom, Aunt Margy, and Grandma Ade left, i can remember being moved from the smaller mobile bed to my own bed from my hospital room (which i knew was mine because of the dog toy with the magnets in its paws that Paul brought me from home was on one of the upper railings of the bed where i had left him a day or so earlier). I can't remember so much what they did to move me as much as i remember sliding off a sheet or a pad of some sort onto another bed. It was a smooth transition and is no doubt a practiced art considering how often people must undergo major surgery and all that was left after that was to get readjusted with the five or ten pillows left to me and do my best just to sleep.
Oh yeah, did i forget to mention i also had a fat lip? Oh yeah. Left side of my bottom lip was HUGE right after surgery. Seems that due to the way the intubator tube was stuck down my throat during surgery it gave me a swollen lip in the aftermath. A nurse did try putting an ice pak on it but when she took it off later she told me it actually looked worse than it had before so i just kept asking for ice chips to ease my dry and uck tasting mouth and did my best to ignore my bulbous lip. A nurse did spread vaseline over it, which i later spent removing bits from my front teeth because some of it hit my upper lip too and because of the huge lip couldn't close my mouth so that's how vaseline got on my teeth.
