For my first blog i'm attempting to write, i figure i need to make it known just how amazing the support has been in this last week alone from so many people. I don't mean to imply anyone's support has been better but I do wanna say that, without a doubt, i'm not sure i'd be as comfortable or as ready to go home tomorrow if it wasn't for Mom. (i am crying as i type this, in case you're wondering, and I don't know if it's because of the pain meds or that fact I feel Mom isn't told enough just how amazing a person she is.) I mean, I know it's the responsibility of a parent to care for their child, but Mom, you take care of so many people and not just yourself and you do it without expecting much in the return. You take care of Grandma and Grandpa as well as you can, stay in touch with your two eldest daughters and continue to guide and counsel Beck and myself. There's never gonna be a moment when we're not gonna need you for some reason Mom, and I know that there's almost nothing I can do to repay everything you've done for us all. It makes me wonder if you have any idea just how loved and appreciated you are. Heck, so many lives wouldn't exist without yours. God really had something special in mind when he created you, and I hope you know that. You always seem to be running around, doing everything, occassionally in the evening you sigh and try and relax because that's all the peace you get to yourself. (I realize me harrying at the boys trying to keep them away from you, is my own way of trying to let you relax, except it only ever seems to have the opposite effect because like the good mom that you are you're the only one with the power to calm the turbulent forces and so are forced to jump into action. So I guess you could say my 'helping' isn't very helpful.
Just seeing you that first morning after the surgery, and then that evening too, I don't know, but a relief fell over me to see you again. Maybe it's being left in a hospital with people I don't actually know. I mean the nurses taking care of me have been nice, but none of them have been able to take care of me on the level or with the skill that you always supply. You may not be able to plug an IV into my vein (though considering how much time you've spent around hospitals because of the Grandparents you probably have a good idea)
Just knowing everything we're gonna have to go through for me to make a full recovery already affects me like a kick to the head. It's gonna hurt and I know for a fact that you're gonna be my one of my biggest pillars of support and aid. I just don't know what I'll be able to do for you to let you know everything I owe you, how much I love you, because I know for a fact that I won't heal faster or slower from a lack of your close presence.
It's strange to think that as human beings we want to be independant, and yet one of the most essential things of being human is that we are co-dependant. People can't be alone, it destroys who they are from within and makes them cold, angry, and dark. It's through interaction that we are able to light up the lives of others and make life truly worth living. I mean, if God had intended for us to be lonely he never would have created both Adam and Eve. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if that was one of the reasons God created existence, because it was lonely. Sharing in the wonder and the mystery of all that has been created, I can't help but think God is happy when he watches us intereact with creation (not when we do it negativly of course, such as pollute)
But I guess my point is, that even though there is that need to move on, to travel, once the children have grown up they want to stretch their wings and see just how far they can glide through that sky, but it seems no matter how far we want to fly, nothing can break that cord that attaches us to the ones we love, to our families. Maybe it's why I've never felt the huge urge to go out and travel, to just jump off the deep end and into the middle of a situation and do my best to survive. Sure, forced into it, I bet i could survive, but I also know that from the moment I'd be told to survive, my first thought would be to go 'home', and the only true home, a place where I know people who care about me, love me, is where I am right now (that being the South Bend area). The vast majority of my family is here, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins....why would I want to go so far away from them?
Yes, Dad is currently working in Oklahoma but it wasn't his choice, it was a job and dad is a provider for the family. It's tough and he's far away, he dosen't get to see his family as he wants to, but it's because he has a job that everyone back in South Bend who relies on him can live the way we do.
It's also because of Dad that i have such amazing childhood memories; of playing Mini-golf, of reading Berenstein Bear books before bedtime and those moments before he kissed us goodnight- that'd we sing some songs, pray, and then go to sleep (always starting with Zippaadeedodah and ending with Seek Ye First). Playing board games and memory games, and eventually talking about more serious topics such as drugs and other wrong behaviors; of putting 1000 piece puzzles together and curling up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and watching a movie while I always leaned on Dad's left side and Beck always the right.
Dad, to you too, I don't think you're told at all as often you should be just how appreciated and loved you are either. You, too, do so much for so many people even when they don't realize it, and you just keep going, not necessarily expectating anyone to say anything about what you did, but maybe it gives you a smile to put a smile on someone else's face that alone is a priceless gift you share.
Memories, moments such as those, you can't put a price on and i miss often. How much easier it all was when we were younger and sheltered...even now it's more important for me to remember those times and once again be so consumed by the amazing love i've been given, that by God's grace I have the family that I have around me, and as much irritation as the constant closeness (such as living with them) may bring and cause me to forget how amazing everyone is, it's not something that I can easily forget.
I realize there are a lot of things that have happened over the years that one would never expect to happen, that's the way life is, God is constantly testing our faith in Him, and yet i can say my parents have withstood the test of adversity thrown at them again and again with as positive outlook as can be had and pushed on. God is truly creating a miraculous place for you both in Heaven at this very moment, I'm certain of it.
Without the support you'll both be giving me, from very close and far away, I know i'll make an impressive recovery, even if it means having to rely on your help in ways I didn't think I'd have to ask for help for, (such as shaving arm pits, now that's a labor of love right there) what's more, I know I can trust you which will allow for the entire healing process to go by a bit faster, I hope. It'll take a while for my muscles to re-fuse and for me to get my equilibrium back to normal (considering how much my body has been compensating over the past year or two is pretty impressive though, you gotta admit) but throughout it all your love and strength, your presence is going to be there and I have no idea how i'll ever be able to pay you back for all your selflessness or even begin to somehow show just how grateful I am to you both.
Saying 'I love you' just isn't enough.
